And once again,
even when I try to lose myself in the darkest of places,
you found me.
i’m still lost
in your covers
in my decisions
in your arms
my eyes covered by my hair
my heart covered by my past
but the touch of your skin
warming my frozen gaze
won’t let me sleep
so i can look anywhere
but at your eyes
i spent a large portion of my “getting ready” this morning trying to pluck out a really unruly grey hair
and i can’t even get in to a bar
I rarely talk about my work on campus on Tumblr, but today, for those of you who also attend UC Berkeley, I am so thrilled and so humbled to announce that I am running to be your next ASUC External Affairs Vice President with Student Action! I am so lucky to be running with three incredible, passionate, and qualified gentleman, my best friends, Ryan Kang, Rafi Lurie, and Chen-Chen Huo. It’s going to be a crazy five weeks until this election is over, but I am so excited to share my passion and drive for this position and this school with you!
Thanks for all your support, Go Bears!
The beautiful Surmayee and ravishing Andy have both tagged me in the answer-11-questions-and-then-write-your-own-11-questions-game and after reading their perfect answers to their questions, I can’t help but oblige! But it’s too much work to do the whole shebang so I’ll just simplify it and answer their questions (basically not play the game at all but hey, sarcastic-but-also-real-life-YOLO.)
1. When did you have your first date and/or first kiss?
My first kiss was when I was nine, in the third grade. It was under the playground at my elementary school in Canada, with a boy named Eric Hernandez. We were going to get married, so it was chill. He and I were sitting there, under the playground, and he said, “Want to kiss?” I said “Yes,” as if I was responding to someone confirming my name. There weren’t sparks or fireworks, but I was stoked to be kissing the coolest kid in our class? (Yup. Bleached hair tips and an earring.) My first date was sometime later and less memorable.
2. What was the first thing you saw on your dash today?
It was a quote about depression that I very much liked. Not exaggerated, not self-pitying, just honest. I don’t remember it.
3. What do you think of Kim Kardashian’s butt?
4. If you only had one day to live, what would be the first 5 things on your to-do list?
1. Paris. 2. See my family: Mom, Dad, Paul, and Keizra. 3. Tell someone I love them. 4. Kiss Johnny Depp’s face. 5. Be sure that I dance until the night turned in to my last breaths.
5. What was your klutziest moment ever?
God I actually have so many. One from this semester that stands out is I was on a second date with someone I was really starting to like and we had gotten ice cream and we walked out of the ice cream store and like 46 seconds out the door I dropped my cone. It was mortifying and ended up being a happy-ending klutz moment, because we just shared his.
6. Fuck, Marry, Kill - Justin Biebs, Nick Jonas, Taylor Lautner
I don’t really know enough about them to be fair, but based on what I do know, marry Nick, fuck Justin, and kill Taylor. So it goes.
7. What is one thing you wish you could change about your past?
Nothing. What we’ve done, seen, and chosen makes us who we are. If I changed one little or one big thing, I could risk losing little things that have made life as wonderful as it has been.
8. What do you do when you need to get out of a funk?
Cry until it goes away. Run into the horizon until I can’t breathe. Play music that reminds me there is something that proves I am not alone. I read books, watch movies, and make things like stories and poems.
9. Who makes you happy?
My friends and my family. Not cliche if it’s honest, right?
10. What’s your favorite cuisine?
JAPANESE SO HARD. I’m one-sixteenth Japanese, so it’s legit.
11. Who have you not spoken to in a while, but wish you had?
My Dad. I keep meaning to call him, but there’s always a certain silence in all the noise we make.
1. What do you like to do in your free time?
Read and write. The best way to pass the time is with words. :)
2. What is something you are unsatisfied with in your life?
I don’t leave enough time for me, in all the commotion of my days, weeks, and months. I never have enough time for all the books I want to read and all the sun salutations I wish to do.
3. What is something you love about yourself?
I smile and laugh easily and readily. I am open to optimism and positivity. I can see sunshine where others see rain.
4. Describe what you are feeling right now?
5. Are you close with your family?
My mother and sister, absolutely. We’ve been through hell and back together.
6. If you could have any job/career, any at all, what would it be?
I would be an actress.
7. What is your happiest memory?
I had a dream I was flying that was so vivid, so real, so honest that I can recall every sensation, emotion, and sentiment I felt as I soared through the air. I was invincible.
8. How has your christmas/winter break been?
Magical. Friends, family, food, and books: what more could anyone ask for?
9. How did you meet your best friend?
I have too many! But Bethany, the bestest of the best, I met Freshman year of high school. We were destined to be best friends. She understands me in a way no one has or will.
10. If you could be doing one thing right now, what would it be?
Stargazing from a cloud.
11. If Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice were to have a jousting match, who would win? (Yes, there is a correct answer to this)
TOUGH ONE. But Hillary. Hillary for all the awards.
Cute new cheetah print bow earrings!
… seeing that written down, I now realize how ridiculous of a human being I am
But as you lay there, in your bed, reading that book I know you’ve read a thousand times while you absentmindedly played with my curly hair, I felt something strange. It was an incredible desire to be far away from you. Slowly and then very quickly, I got up, I picked my clothes off from the ground and got dressed. You looked up, briefly, and you smiled at me before you dropped your eyes back to the words you knew almost as well as the feel of my skin. I then proceeded to dress in the wrong order. Bra first, panties, dress, then stockings. Normally, almost always, it was panties, stockings, bra, then dress. You didn’t notice. You blinked.
I walked to the bathroom. I put up my hair and put on my red lipstick. I walked out into the hallway, turned around, went back into the bathroom, pulled down my hair, wiped off the lipstick, and walked back to your room.
You looked up. You smiled. You blinked. You kept reading.
I put on my boots. I zipped them up slowly. I zipped them up as if I was easing them on seductively, as if each pull up my calf was a long, slow kiss, introducing the cold zippers to the flesh of my legs and the thin nylon of my tights. You blinked.
I got up from the foot of your bed and quickly put my coat on, and my purse over my arm. I moved towards you, and sat down where I was lying only minutes before. I leaned down and you reached up, flexing your abdominal muscles like some kind of Greek God to kiss me. It wasn’t a kiss that felt like “see you soon,” though that’s what I think it meant to you. To me, it was a kiss that meant, “this might be goodbye.” I don’t know why I get that way. But sometimes, as we lay in your bed, as I write and you read, I get those urges. Those urges to run out in to the rain and run and run and run until I reach something more solid than anything you could ever give me or anything I would even think to want or ask for.
And I did run. I left your house and locked your door with the key that you gave me. I put the key back around my neck where it always hangs too low, between my breasts and too center to be over my heart. And then I ran. Through trees, rain, doubts, love, fear, pride, kisses, caresses; I ran through it all.
I woke up hours later, your arms around me, and your legs crossed through mine. You were holding me in a way that said, “don’t worry, I understand you.” At least, that’s the way I think you meant it. I heard it differently. The way you held me felt like you were saying, “you’re safe here.” I saw my damp clothes where I had left them when I walked back in to your room, threw them off, panting, and then collapsed next to you in bed. I looked in the mirror on the wall. You looked peaceful, and so did I. All the running always brings me home to you. That night, though, that’s the night that I realized that even when all I wanted to do was kiss you farewell, I was always kissing you “see you soon.”
We’re the type of people who lose ourselves in books, rain, and memories. But we’re also the type of people who find our way back to each other with warm beds, knowing smiles, and safe arms.