May 18, 2013
on relationships, love, and goodbye

We knew, going into this, that our relationship had an expiration date. We knew, going into this, that it was going to be painful and awful and sad come today, but we did it anyway because that’s what two people who are crazy about each other do. They ignore the consequences, no matter how severe, in favor of passionate love that comes in a big burst with no space to settle and stay a while. 

I’m not one for relationships. I can’t stand commitment, it makes me too nervous. I love being able to fall in and out of arms and in and out of smiles in short moments that feel like love with none of the emotional attachment. 

But as I sit here now, I keep closing my eyes and shutting out the world just to picture you saying I love you to me that one last time. As we stood in the doorway of your apartment I said to you, tears streaming down my cheeks, “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow without you, not knowing if I’ll ever wake up in your arms again.” You looked at me, a tear streaming from your blue eyes to your beard and said, “I don’t want to watch you walk away from me.” Words, tears, hugs, and panic later, you looked at me for the last time in what will be a very long time and said, “Goodbye. I love you. Hopefully see you soon.” And I did it, I turned around and walked away.

But I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you so much. Your eyes, your smile, the way that you showed me why people fall in love and are monogamous and why when you’re with the right person, no one else matters. You showed me that I was worth loving and fighting for all the while surprising me with bouquets of flowers and notes that told me you were listening and most importantly, that you saw me and wanted to understand me. 

I’m sure you’ll be the subject of a thousand more words as I try to fill the void that you graduating and our mutually decided and practically well-timed break-up left me, but until then, I think the most important thing I want you to know is that for the first time in a long time, I mean it when I say, 

I love you, too. 

Thank you for the incredible adventure that was being yours. 

9:50pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRylIX8xv
(Notes: 10)
  
Filed under: writing safeena boyfriend break up graduation love personal 
May 17, 2013
"At the end of the day, the majority of internet users aren’t looking at Ai Wei Wei’s tweets or working to erode at the power that the state has over privacy, but instead, they are content to look at videos of cute cats in shark costumes on vacuums. Therein lies a flaw of the perception of the Information and Communications Technology as a fix-all technology: in order to be truly effective, the ICT must be seen by the people as a tool to empower the human spirit, not to take its place."

— My major rocks because I get to write papers and talk about this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of2HU3LGdbo

2:07am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRylACIl7
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: cat shark duck roomba media studies berkeley writing safeena ICT privacy 
May 13, 2013

I think one day we might wake up and realize that everything we did for each other was actually to each other— in this game we set ourselves up to lose, the objective became (once the outcome was decided) to hurt one another mercilessly because unless we were hurting we couldn’t possibly be living,

could we? 

So we hated with love and we stabbed with kisses and we tortured with embraces while the board itself became a prison that we trapped ourselves on until we were nothing but shadows of ourselves ripped to pieces with dinner dates and movie stubs and now that we’ve almost hit the finish line, 

our winnings will be divided and we will leave each other broken while we reset our bodies and our hearts to play again

and again

and again

and again

you can’t pass Go when your heart is stopped

2:23am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyktjRfo
(Notes: 5)
  
Filed under: writing safeena love heartache relationships hurt pain game games hate 
May 8, 2013

and when she realized she finally might be falling in love with the right person, everything began to make sense.

5:37am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRykVj0fX
(Notes: 3)
  
Filed under: love writing safeena personal 
April 24, 2013

And once again,
somehow,
even when I try to lose myself in the darkest of places,

you found me.

12:05pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyjRUulk
(Notes: 2)
  
Filed under: you me safeena writing 
April 18, 2013

i’m still lost

in your covers

in my decisions

in your arms

my eyes covered by my hair

my heart covered by my past

but the touch of your skin

on mine

warming my frozen gaze

won’t let me sleep

hug me

so i can look anywhere

but at your eyes

2:02pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyi_HXX9
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: you me personal safeena writing love eyes 
April 14, 2013

I am not afraid of losing you

anymore.

How could I be?

The sun

the moon

the stars

have proven

as loving companions

as you

your body

your voice

have ever been.

4:10am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyifLS7f
(Notes: 7)
  
Filed under: you writing safeena love lonely nights 
April 14, 2013

And in the first moments of “alone” and “silence” that I’ve had since late November, the thoughts that rush through my tender mind are not ones of relief, calm, or acceptance. Instead, louder than anyone or anything I’ve known since the storm began, I hear your name begin to echo in my head like some kind of alarm that I can’t shut the fuck off. I thought that when everything ended I would have time to find me first, but it feels like the way my heart wants to repair is by finding its way into your warm embrace where it can stay just to feel a while. 

But I’ve been so shut off and so far away that I’ve come to love the solitude of longing and I can’t even fathom your wine drunk lips on my collarbone because as the months of loneliness have passed I’ve grown a beautiful and shiny armor that was constructed especially to fight off all the love you can fake to give.

And as I sit alone at this airport and wonder why even a plane can’t take my mind away from you, I can barely finish the words on this page because the sound of your name echoes louder than the woman blabbering about my plane being delayed. What’s an hour delay if my thoughts can’t wait? What’s miles away when sounds of you just won’t fade? 

This isn’t love, this isn’t lust. 

It’s something like self-loathing. 

12:06am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyieYdQ0
(Notes: 5)
  
Filed under: you writing safeena want wanting need time love hate self-loathing airplane thoughts while flying airport lonely loneliness 
April 5, 2013

I miss writing.

I wonder if my unused pen hurts the way unused people do.

2:38am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyhxx2rq
(Notes: 2)
  
Filed under: writing safeena pen writer people use used 
March 23, 2013
Started absentmindedly doodling and this is what happened…

Started absentmindedly doodling and this is what happened…

8:56pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRygyuuU3
(Notes: 29)
  
Filed under: love falling in love you safeena writing happiness doodling 
February 28, 2013

the sounds of you sleeping seem to be the only ones that let me dream

3:48am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyfB3MAp
(Notes: 6)
  
Filed under: writing safeena thoughts sleep dream love 
February 27, 2013

one day i will open my heart to the world

and bleed all my blood as ink on page after page

and i will tell my story 

as i lay dying

and show the world who i was

who i wanted to be

and who left the scars they could see

and more importantly

who left the scars they couldn’t

4:20am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyf6ThoR
(Notes: 9)
  
Filed under: writing safeena writer story truth 
February 24, 2013

i would give every breath

in my body

to hear you breathe the words

i don’t love you

so that i could let go

once 

and

for

all

12:14am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyeslz7g
(Notes: 21)
  
Filed under: writing safeena love break-up heartbreak letting go 
February 18, 2013

I woke up this morning and looked out at the bay and I whispered to the world, “be kind today,” and somehow and for some reason today the world whispered back and said

“you are stronger than you think.”

12:16pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyeRNwWU
(Notes: 6)
  
Filed under: writing safeena strong strength new day berkley 
February 15, 2013

i always told you

i’d love you until it broke me

and now as i sit here

sick on valentine’s day

surrounded by tea and tissues

i feel finally

like i did something right

2:07am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Z0CKRyeB54dO
(Notes: 3)
  
Filed under: love heartbreak valentine's day writing safeena 
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