We knew, going into this, that our relationship had an expiration date. We knew, going into this, that it was going to be painful and awful and sad come today, but we did it anyway because that’s what two people who are crazy about each other do. They ignore the consequences, no matter how severe, in favor of passionate love that comes in a big burst with no space to settle and stay a while.
I’m not one for relationships. I can’t stand commitment, it makes me too nervous. I love being able to fall in and out of arms and in and out of smiles in short moments that feel like love with none of the emotional attachment.
But as I sit here now, I keep closing my eyes and shutting out the world just to picture you saying I love you to me that one last time. As we stood in the doorway of your apartment I said to you, tears streaming down my cheeks, “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow without you, not knowing if I’ll ever wake up in your arms again.” You looked at me, a tear streaming from your blue eyes to your beard and said, “I don’t want to watch you walk away from me.” Words, tears, hugs, and panic later, you looked at me for the last time in what will be a very long time and said, “Goodbye. I love you. Hopefully see you soon.” And I did it, I turned around and walked away.
But I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you so much. Your eyes, your smile, the way that you showed me why people fall in love and are monogamous and why when you’re with the right person, no one else matters. You showed me that I was worth loving and fighting for all the while surprising me with bouquets of flowers and notes that told me you were listening and most importantly, that you saw me and wanted to understand me.
I’m sure you’ll be the subject of a thousand more words as I try to fill the void that you graduating and our mutually decided and practically well-timed break-up left me, but until then, I think the most important thing I want you to know is that for the first time in a long time, I mean it when I say,
I love you, too.
Thank you for the incredible adventure that was being yours.